MONTY PYTHON'S LIFE OF BRIAN FILM SCRIPTMONTY PYTHON'S LIFE OF BRIAN FILM SCRIPTMonty Python's Life of Brian - (c) 1. Python (Monty). Pictures, Ltd. The Cast: (in order of appearance)WISE MAN #1 John Cleese. WISE MAN #2 Graham Chapman. WISE MAN #3 Michael Palin. THE NINE LIVES OF CHLOE KING ACT ONE.MANDY COHEN Terry Jones. SINGER Sonia Jones. JESUS CHRIST Ken Colley. BRIAN COHEN Graham Chapman. MR. BIG NOSE Michael Palin. MRS. BIG NOSE Gwen Taylor. GREGORY Terence Bayler. MRS. GREGORY Carol Cleveland. MR. CHEEKY Eric Idle. MAN #1 Charles Mc. Keown. MAN #2 Terry Gilliam. JUDITH Sue Jones- Davis. REG John Cleese. STAN/LORETTA Eric Idle. FRANCIS Michael Palin. HARRY THE HAGGLER Eric Idle. DONKEY OWNER Gwen Taylor. MATTHIAS John Young. STONE HELPER #1 Bernard Mc. Kenna. STONE HELPER #2 Andrew Mac. Lachlan. JEWISH OFFICIAL John Cleese. WOMAN #1 Carol Cleveland. CULPRIT WOMAN Eric Idle. MRS. Michael Palin. EX- LEPER Michael Palin. ANNOUNCER Michael Palin. BORIS FEINBURG Neil Innes. CENTURION John Cleese. Miracles Happen The Transformational Healing Power of Past Life Memories. In their revolutionary book, Miracles Happen, Brian L. Weiss, MD, and his daughter, Amy, examine the physical, emotional, and spiritual healing. Originally backers, EMI, pulled out when they saw the script and finance was. Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975), The Meaning of Life (1983) and this one) is God. Six cast members play 40. Life of Brian was born. BRIAN TRACY’S TRANSCRIPTION Eat That Frog! If it is in your personal life it is probably the major. Brian Weiss: Past-Life Regression Session Omega Institute for Holistic Studies. Subscribe Subscribed Unsubscribe 28,909 28K. Want to watch this again later? Monty Python's Life of Brian. Spin-offs include a script-book The Life of Brian of Nazareth. My Life with Brian was released. THE SECRET LIFE OF THE BRAINmay be used in science, health, psychology and even language arts classes. Video segments and animation sequences from Programs One through Five may be used to discuss topics including. ROMAN SOLDIER STIG Charles Mc. Keown. DEADLY DIRK John Cleese. WARRIS Eric Idle. JAILER Terry Gilliam. BEN Michael Palin. PONTIUS PILATE Michael Palin. GUARD #1 Bernard Mc. Kenna. GUARD #2 Andrew Mac. Lachlan. GUARD #3 Chris Langham. GUARD #4 Charles Mc. Keown. PASSER- BY Charles Knode. BLOOD & THUNDER PROPHET Terry Gilliam. FALSE PROPHET Charles Mc. Keown. BORING PROPHET Michael Palin. BURT John Case. SERGEANT Bernard Mc. Kenna. COLIN Terry Jones. DENNIS Terence Bayler. ELSIE Carol Cleveland. EDDIE Michael Palin. ARTHUR John Cleese. FRANK Terry Gilliam. GIRL Gwen Taylor. YOUTH Eric Idle. SHOE FOLLOWER Michael Palin. SPIKE Spike Milligan. BLIND MAN Charles Mc. Keown. SIMON THE HOLY MAN Terry Jones. MR. PAPADOPOULOS George Harrison. BIGGUS DICKUS Graham Chapman. NISUS WETTUS Michael Palin. BOB HOSKINS Terry Jones. JAILER'S ASSISTANT Eric Idle. PARVUS Bernard Mc. Kenna. ALFONSO Chris Langham. SAINTLY PASSER- BY Terry Jones. OTTO Eric Idle. MR. FRISBEE III Eric Idle. Scene 1. WISE MAN #1: We are three wise men. WISE MAN #1: We are three wise men. MANDY: Well, what are you doing creeping around a cow shed. That doesn't sound very wise to me. WISE MAN #3: We are astrologers. WISE MAN #1: We have come from the East. MANDY: Is this some kind of joke? WISE MAN #2: We wish to praise the infant. WISE MAN #1: We must pay homage to him. WISE MAN #1: No- - MANDY: Bursting in here with tales about oriental fortune. MANDY: Go and praise someone else's brat! WISE MAN #2: We- - WISE MAN #1: We were led by a star. MANDY: Or led by a bottle, more like. WISE MAN #1: Well- - well, we must see him. We have brought. presents. MANDY: Well, why didn't you say? Well, what is myrrh, anyway? WISE MAN #3: It is a valuable balm. What are you giving him a balm for? MANDY: That's a dangerous animal. Throw it in the. trough. WISE MAN #1: No, it isn't. It's great, big mmm.. WISE MAN #3: No, no, no. MANDY: Aww, there is an animal called a balm.. So, you're astrologers, are you? Well, what is he then? MANDY: What star sign is he? WISE MAN #2: Uh, Capricorn. MANDY: Uhh, Capricorn, eh? WISE MAN #2: Ooh, but.. WISE MAN #1: King of the Jews. MANDY: And that's Capricorn, is it? WISE MAN #2: Uh, no, no, no. MANDY: Ohh, I was going to say, 'Otherwise, there'd be a lot. WISE MEN: We worship you, O Brian, who are Lord over us all. MANDY: Do you do a lot of this, then? MANDY: Er, well, um, if you're dropping by again, do pop in. And thanks a lot for the gold and frankincense, er, but don't worry too. Well. weren't they nice? Out of their bloody minds, but still. Here, that- - that's mine! Hey, you. just gave me that! The babe they called 'Brian',He grew.. They shall find consolation. How blest are those. They shall have the earth for their possession. How blest are. those who hunger and thirst to see right prevail. How blest are those whose. JESUS: How blest are those of gentle.. MANDY: Well, I can't hear a thing. They shall have the earth for their. MANDY: Let's go t' the stoning. JESUS: How blest are those.. JESUS: .. who hunger and thirst.. BRIAN: You can go to a stoning any time. JESUS: .. to see right.. MANDY: Oh, come on, Brian. BIG NOSE: Will you be quiet?! JESUS: How blest are they who have suffered much.. BIG NOSE: Don't pick your nose. BIG NOSE: I wasn't picking my nose. BIG NOSE: You was picking it, while you was talking to. BIG NOSE: Leave it alone. I can't hear a word he's saying. BIG NOSE: Don't you 'do you mind' me. I was talking to. CHEEKY: Well, go and talk to him somewhere else. I can't. hear a bloody thing. BIG NOSE: Don't you swear at my wife. CHEEKY: I was only asking her to shut up, so I can hear. Big Nose. BIG NOSE: Don't you call my husband 'Big Nose'! CHEEKY: Well, he has got a big nose. GREGORY: Could you be quiet, please? JESUS: They shall have the earth.. GREGORY: What was that? JESUS: .. for their possession. How blest are those.. I was too busy talking to Big. Nose. JESUS: .. who hunger and thirst to see.. MAN #1: I think it was 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.' JESUS: .. GREGORY: Ahh, what's so special about the cheesemakers? It refers to any manufacturers of dairy products. If you hadn't been going on, we'd have. Big Nose. JESUS: How blest are those who.. Say that once more; I'll smash your. CHEEKY: Better keep listening. Might be a bit about. Blessed are the big noses.' BRIAN: Oh, lay off him. CHEEKY: Oh, you're not so bad yourself, Conkface. Where. are you two from? BIG NOSE: One more time, mate; I'll take you to the. JESUS: .. hunger and thirst to see.. BIG NOSE: And don't pick your nose. JESUS: .. right prevail. BIG NOSE: I wasn't going to pick my nose. I was going to. thump him! MAN #2: You hear that? Blessed are the Greek. Well, apparently, he's going to inherit the. GREGORY: Did anyone catch his name? BIG NOSE: You're not going to thump anybody. BIG NOSE: I'll thump him if he calls me 'Big Nose'. CHEEKY: Oh, shut up, Big Nose. I really will. slug you so hard- - MRS. BIG NOSE: Oh, it's the meek! Oh. that's nice, isn't it? I'm glad they're getting something, 'cause they have a. I'm only telling the truth. You have got. a very big nose. Your nose is going to be three foot wide. I've finished with you! MAN #1 and MAN #2: Shhh. CHEEKY: Well, who hit yours, then? Goliath's big. brother? That's your last warning. GREGORY: Oh, do pipe down. BIG NOSE and GREGORY fight! BIG NOSE: Silly bitch. Get in the way on me?. BIG NOSE: Break it up- - oh. Let's go to the stoning. Well, what Jesus blatantly fails to appreciate is. MANDY: Oh, come on, Brian, or they'll have stoned him before. Stop trying. to do that. Hey, officer, intervene here. Attempted rape going on. It's the. chap with the big nose's fault. Scene 3. MANDY: Ohh, I hate wearing these beards. BRIAN: Why aren't women allowed go to stonings, Mum? HARRY THE HAGGLER: Pssst! DONKEY OWNER: Oh, look. I haven't got time to go to no. They've got a lot there, lying around on the. HARRY THE HAGGLER: Oh, not like these, sir. That's craftsmanship, sir. We'll have, uh, two with points. BRIAN: Could I have a flat one, Mum? MANDY: Ehh, all right. Two points, ah, two flats, and a. HARRY THE HAGGLER: Packet of gravel. Should be a good one. HARRY THE HAGGLER: Local boy. HARRY THE HAGGLER: Enjoy yourselves. Scene 4. CROWD OF WOMEN: . MATTHIAS: Do I say 'yes'? OFFICIAL: You have been found guilty by the elders of the. Lord, and so, as a blasphemer.. OFFICIAL: .. you are to be stoned to death. I- - I'd had a lovely supper, and all I said. That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah.' CROWD: Oooooh! OFFICIAL: Did you hear him?! By virtue of the authority vested in. We haven't started yet! I thought we'd started. OFFICIAL: Go to the back. CULPRIT WOMAN: Oh, dear. OFFICIAL: Always one, isn't there? I don't think it ought to be blasphemy, just. Jehovah'. OFFICIAL: You're only making it worse for yourself! MATTHIAS: Making it worse?! How could it be worse?! OFFICIAL: I'm warning you. If you say 'Jehovah' once more- -. A.: Well, you did say 'Jehovah'. No one is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle! MANDY: Oh, stop thinking about sex. MANDY: You're always on about it.. LEPER #2: God bless you, sir. LEPER #3: Alms for a leper. LEPER #4: Alms for a leper. EX- LEPER: Alms for an ex- leper. All. the same, aren't they? Never have any change. Spare a. talent for an old ex- leper. EX- LEPER: Spare a talent for an old ex- leper. That's more than he earns in a month. EX- LEPER: Half a talent, then. EX- LEPER: Come on, Big Nose. Say you open at one. I start at two thousand. We close about eighteen hundred. EX- LEPER: Seventeen- fifty? EX- LEPER: Seventeen- forty. Will you leave him alone? He's not giving you any money, so piss off! EX- LEPER: All right, sir. My final offer: half a shekel for. EX- LEPER: That's right, sir. Sixteen years behind the bell. BRIAN: Well, what happened? EX- LEPER: I was cured, sir. EX- LEPER: Yes, sir, a bloody miracle, sir. EX- LEPER: Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my. All of a sudden, up he comes. One minute I'm a leper. Not so much as a by your leave. BRIAN: Well, why don't you go and tell him you want to be a. Yeah, I. could do that, I suppose. What I was thinking was, I was going to ask him if he. You know. something beggable, but not leprosy, which is a pain in the arse, to be blunt. Come and clean your room out. EX- LEPER: Thank you, sir. Thanks- - Half a denary for me. BRIAN: There's no pleasing some people. EX- LEPER: That's just what Jesus said, sir. OFFICER: Good afternoon. I'll be with you in a. BRIAN: What's he doing here? MANDY: Now, don't start that Brian, and go and clean your. MANDY: Now, look, Brian. If it wasn't for them, we wouldn't. BRIAN: We don't owe the Romans anything, Mum. MANDY: Well, that's not entirely true, is it Brian? BRIAN: What do you mean? MANDY: Well, you know you were asking me about your, uh.. Well, there's a reason it's.. MANDY: Well, I suppose I should have told you a long time. MANDY: Well, Brian.. BRIAN: I never thought he was. MANDY: Now, none of your cheek! He was a Roman, Brian. He. was a centurion in the Roman army. MANDY: Well, at first, yes. Naughtius Maximus his name was. Promised me. the known world he did. I was to be taken to Rome, House by the Forum. As much gold as I could eat. Then, he, having his way with me. Life of Brian Script - Scene 8: The Grumpy People's Front of Judea. The sketch: trumpetsclap clap clap. ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen. The next contest is. Frank Goliath, the Macedonian baby- crusher, and Boris. Mineburg. VOICE: Thank you, fellows. BRIAN: Larks' tongues. Get 'em while they're hot. They're. lovely. Dromedary pretzels, only half a denar. JUDITH: I do feel, Reg, that any Anti- Imperialist group like. I think Judith's point of view is very valid. Reg, provided the Movement never forgets that it is the inalienable. STAN: Or woman. FRANCIS: Thank you, brother. REG: I think you'd finished. REG: Furthermore, it is the birthright of every man- - STAN: Or woman. REG: Why don't you shut up about women, Stan. You're putting. us off. STAN: Women have a perfect right to play a part in our. Reg. FRANCIS: Why are you always on about women, Stan? STAN: I want to be one. STAN: I want to be a woman. From now on, I want you all to. Loretta'. LORETTA: It's my right as a man. JUDITH: Well, why do you want to be Loretta, Stan? LORETTA: I want to have babies. REG: You want to have babies?! LORETTA: It's every man's right to have babies if he wants. LORETTA: Don't you oppress me. REG: I'm not oppressing you, Stan. You haven't got a womb! You going to keep it in a box?! Suppose you agree that he. Romans', but that he can have the right to have babies. FRANCIS: Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors for. REG: What's the point? REG: What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies. FRANCIS: It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression. BORIS: It's, um- - GUARD: Get out there. BORIS: It's dangerous out there. SPECTATOR: What a load of rubbish. BRIAN: Larks' tongues. BRIAN: I haven't got any nuts. I've got wrens' livers. REG: No, no, no. REG: I don't want any of that Roman rubbish. JUDITH: Why don't you sell proper food? REG: Yeah, not those rich imperialist tit- bits. BRIAN: Well, don't blame me. I didn't ask to sell this stuff. Bag of otters' noses, then. BRIAN: Are you the Judean People's Front? REG: Judean People's Front. We're the People's Front of Judea! BRIAN: I didn't want to sell this stuff. I. hate the Romans as much as anybody. PEOPLE'S FRONT OF JUDEA: Shhhh. I hate the Romans already. If you wanted to join the P. F. J., you'd have to. Romans. The only people we hate more. Romans are the fucking Judean People's Front. FRANCIS: And the Judean Popular People's Front. LORETTA: And the People's Front of Judea. LORETTA: The People's Front of Judea. REG: We're the People's Front of Judea! I thought we were the Popular Front. FRANCIS: Whatever happened to the Popular Front, Reg? GOLIATH: pant pant pant Ooh. I- - I think I'm about. SPECTATOR: Absolutely dreadful. CROWD: cheering. REG: Yes, brother! REG: We may have a little job for you, Brian.
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